Why I took a Step Back from Social Media

Six months has passed since I posted on social media (and even longer since I posted here!) so I thought I’d pop in with a bit of an update sharing what has happened during the last six months, and why I disappeared offline for a little while.

This post is a personal one that I’m just going to write straight from the heart. It touches upon mental health stuff and also topics related to the long term effects of ME/CFS. Just a little caveat before we dive in incase any of you are feeling extra sensitive today.

If we rewind to December; this was the month where things began to take a down turn.

I always find the Winter difficult. I’m not good with the short days or lack of sunlight, and on top of this, the Christmas season always seems to bring stuff up for me too. No matter how much I tell myself that I’m going to focus on being thankful for all that I do have in my life, I often experience a sense of grief and longing at this time of year. I have always believed in my body’s innate ability to heal. And every year without fail I dare to dream that the next year will be the one that brings me full recovery. So when I then find myself at the end of said year, not quite where I hoped I would be, there is always a disappointment and a million layers of stuff that is triggered as a result.

So, I guess this is where it began. Christmas 2021. Feeling a sense of overwhelming grief and sadness, and in the thick of a physical ME/CFS relapse that seemed to creep up on me out of nowhere. On top of this, I was away from my partner for weeks at a time, as he was in another city caring for his Mum in the end stages of her life. It was such a sad time and I felt so much guilt that I wasn’t able to get in my car and drive to be with him, and support him in the ways I wanted to.

January to April is a bit of a blur when I look back. What I experienced is not something I can write about neatly and tie a bow around. The difficult times in our life aren’t something we can put into words easily are they?

Any of you who follow my journey will know my condition fluctuates quite a lot. But during the first third of this year I spent my days housebound / bed bound and there wasn’t the usual fluctuation I tend to experience. The M.E had floored me and I was back where the simple act of keeping my eyes open was excruciating, my vision distorted and neurological symptoms were verging on being unbearable. I always liken this level to feeling as if you are being suffocated, symptoms are all consuming and the most basic of tasks (such as sitting upright or getting a drink) feel like you are pushing against the strongest of forces.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, mentally I wasn’t in a great place either. In 2010 I had a severe episode of depression and anxiety. This wasn’t as bad as that. But it wasn’t nice. I felt like I was under a dark cloud and my sense of security had gone all wobbly. Like I had nothing solid to lean on? I felt like I’d been coping with so many different things for such a long time, and suddenly, I wasn’t able to cope in the way I usually could.

I was also experiencing a heightened sense of dissociation and depersonalisation. I’ll cover more on my experience with this in a separate post, as I think it’s something that many of us have but it’s rarely spoken about and is such a frightening feeling.

It is as if you are literally disconnected from your surroundings and viewing the world through a fuzzy veil.

You feel disconnected from your sense of self and the ground feels like jelly when you walk. It can often come after a period of intense stress or anxiety, severe exhaustion or trauma, as the body’s way of trying to protect you.

So many of you know me for my positive outlook and unwavering belief that healing is possible. I have always believed that healing from ME/CFS is possible, no matter how many years have passed, or how bad things may have gotten at times. However, by the end of last year I was just utterly sick of the whole thing (there no other way to describe it!) I didn’t want to try anything else. I was sick of protocols.

I felt at my wits end with all the different things I had to do each day just to keep afloat, and still finding myself with crushing symptoms and fatigue. I was so acutely aware that it had been over two decades since my diagnoses and I just felt completely drained and exhausted in every way possible, hence me disappearing offline for what ended up being six months.

Thankfully, the work I have done on myself, had given me a level of self awareness that meant despite being in the thick of it, I could see what was going on.

I knew it was important to allow the feelings that were surfacing to be felt, no matter how uncomfortable. I knew not to try and push them down. To allow myself to cry (I cried a lot!) and to move through this phase. I knew it would pass eventually and that what was happening was likely to be my body releasing years of struggle and pent up grief. Grief for the years lost to ME/CFS. The things I had missed out on. The emotional exhaustion of living a life that has often felt so restricted, along with the pain that comes seeing those around you achieve milestones you would love to experience yourself.

Like so many of you who walk a similar path, I have had to smile at friends news of pregnancy’s or career progressions, along with so much more that I have missed out on. Of course I am happy for those I love, but it takes its toll when you feel you are always the one standing on the sidelines and physical illness is holding you back from living the life you would love to live.

I honestly feel like this Winter, alongside a physical relapse, was an eruption of all of this emotional stuff. Years of it. All needing to be expressed, felt and released.

I held myself as gently as possible as I moved through it. Which makes it sound like it was all serene and lovely – it really wasn’t! It was messy, disorientating and uncomfortable. But, I did my best to treat myself kindly and do the things that I knew soothed me.

Prayer was my number one comfort. Knowing that God was watching over me, and always with me, helped so much during times when I felt completely lost and alone. Breathwork sessions, from the Breathe with James Online Studio, were also something that I continued to do to activate the parasympathetic branch of my nervous system and support my body on a physical level at a time where I felt so out of balance.

I also had epsom salt baths, used my essential oils daily and tried to get my feet on the earth whenever I could. Other than that, I let things work through. I knew the last thing I needed was a schedule of a million self help techniques or any additional pressure. I needed to let go. To allow. To listen to my body and let it rebalance in it’s own way.

By the end of April I finally started to feel things beginning to shift.

Physically, symptoms were lessening and emotionally I began to feel more like myself again. I was crying less, sleeping better and my hope was returning again. It happened slowly and gradually, and now, at the end of June, I feel I am almost back to where I was prior to Christmas.

I think one of the lessons that can be taken from this experience, is that we are all human. No matter how much we may know on the topics of mindfulness, gratitude, mediation or psychology, we can only cope with so much. We all have periods in life where our body and mind go ‘too much!’. All we can do in these times, is listen to what our inner wisdom is trying to tell us and treat ourselves with extra love and know that we will come through to better days again.

In the chronic illness world, there are so many different voices telling us we should do this protocol, or that protocol. That we MUST try this new supplement if we want to heal.

That we urgently need to find our root cause and only then will healing be possible for us.

The trouble with this, is that we can become totally bombarded with other peoples stories and the feeling we have to do it ALL if we want a chance of feeling better. Which of course, is impossible. Our own inner voice and what is right for us as an individual, can end up getting drowned out and we are left feeling confused and lost.

In some ways, I think this was also part of what was happening with me preceding my time offline. After a new diagnosis of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome in the Autumn of 2021, there was yet another rabbit hole that had opened up for me to go down.

I had to just take a big step back and press pause on all of it.

Take time for my body and mind to settle and come back to myself. To trusting in my body and it’s innate healing potential.

I’m not saying I won’t ever try another healing modality, but searching for answers is not my main focus anymore. Instead, I am coming back to what I know supports my body, naturally. Without rigid rules. For me this looks like making sure my day to day life has balance and things that bring me joy. Spending time in nature. Breathwork and Meditation. Eating nourishing wholesome food (without being off the scale strict). Gentle movement to help my body live well with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and Chiropractic Treatments to support my joints and spine.

I also do brain retraining in my own way (I’ll also share more on this soon for those of you interested) to calm my nervous system and gently bring more trust into my body.

I am allowing this to be enough. And it feels right, for right now.

It is so good to be back lovely ones, thank you so much for reading and for your kind messages whilst I was away. Feel free to comment below if you want to have a chat about anything covered in today’s post.

Emma x 

Come and connect with me on Facebook and Instagram 

Would you like to be the first to hear about brand new Consciously Healthy blog posts? 

If you would enjoy having new posts sent directly to you as part of my monthly newsletter, just pop your email address into the subscription box ~ you’ll find it either below this message or in the sidebar depending what device you are using.  

I’d love to have you as part of the Consciously Healthy Family!

Important note to new subscribers

Make sure you look our for your welcome email. Some people find it sneaks into their junk folder, so just keep an eye out and mark Consciously Healthy as a safe contact if this happens so you can continue to receive future posts to your inbox. 

Disclaimer: This Website and all the information which it contains is based on my own personal experience and health journey which I am sharing for educational and informational purposes only. Please consult your own doctor or healthcare provider to determine the best course of treatment for you.