Faith, Fear and Surrender.

10 weeks ago I nearly lost my life. I came so close and experienced so much emotional devastation and medical trauma that I don’t even know how to begin to share what happened here, or even if I ever will.

And today, I turn 40.

Both of these things feel so surreal to write.

40 has been a milestone birthday that has kind of loomed over me as it’s drawn closer, because of the things it represents and brings up in terms of years lost to chronic illness. Shining a light on all the ‘big things’ that I thought I’d have in my life by now, but haven’t.

But as I sit here today, having experienced the most horrific time of my life, I have a newfound perspective. A deeper connection to God. To Faith. To hope. To life itself.

I haven’t achieved what I’d wished for by age 40 in many ways. I haven’t got a career or a child, I haven’t travelled the world (yet). And this hurts. I won’t pretend it doesn’t. But I’ve been to the depths and as a direct result been forced to face myself and grow. To learn the art of true surrender. To realise sometimes we have absolutely no control and all we can do is free fall and trust.

On the many weeks I’ve spent bedridden or housebound during the last two decades due to chronic illness, yearning for so much more, I’ve had to learn to find an inner strength to carry me through. I’ve learned to value the little things in life. We place so much importance on external goals, but so many people can have all these ticked off and still find themselves unfulfilled and empty. Simple joys bring me so much, because so often they have been all that I’ve had. They are everything.

I also deeply appreciate what I DO have. My beautiful family, friends and my incredible partner. My humour. My perspective. My home. The list goes on and on. So often we focus on what we don’t have, and forget the things we do.

Do I wish I had been able to experience more by the time I was 40?

Of course. The freedom to live fully would be amazing. It’s my ultimate desire. But the lessons and growth that have come as a result of my experience have changed me as a person, for the better, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

I’ve realised so much during the last 10 weeks about the duality of life.

I’ve experienced soul crushing grief, excruciating pain and heartbreaking sadness. But alongside that I’ve been immersed in the healing power of God and surrender. I’ve (miraculously) experienced peace amidst the biggest storm. The two have existed side by side.

And I guess this echos so much of life in general doesn’t it? Things existing all at once. The light and the dark. The struggle and the joy.

Life.

40 years on this earth.

A new perspective. So much hope. So much to be thankful for. So much learned. And, hopefully, so much still to come.

Emma x

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Disclaimer: This Website and all the information which it contains is based on my own personal experience and health journey which I am sharing for educational and informational purposes only. Please consult your own doctor or healthcare provider to determine the best course of treatment for you.