The Day My Life Changed Forever

Today I’m going to tell the story of something personal, raw and close to my heart. I hope it will help in someway. Be it to give you hope that better days eventually come, no matter how difficult things get or maybe it will simply give a little perspective to the other things I share here.

11 years ago today, was the day my world was shaken to its core. 13 February 2010, was the day I began the rapid decent back into Severe ME after a number of years believing I had fully recovered.

This experience was to be the catalyst for a deeply transformational journey and a period of revealing, painful, heart wrenching growth. 11 years ago to this day, I was about to enter one of the hardest times of my life.

It’s not something I’ve spoken about much on here in any detail before. Maybe because generally I like to share reflections and insights on this account, as well as how my current stage of healing is unfolding rather than diving into or dwelling on the past.

But today, I feel pulled to share a little about what happened.

In my early twenties, after 8 years with ME, I believed I had recovered. I worked full time. Ran my own business. Danced. Went to the gym. Partied. Lived! But, without realising it, I became disconnected from my essence. From what really mattered to me. I became goal orientated and extremely driven. Always chasing the ‘next thing’. The things that had helped me heal, slipped by the wayside. I stopped looking after myself.

Eventually, symptoms began creeping back in, but I pushed them down. I ignored the messages from my body. Continuing instead to live a fast paced life based around external achievements.

Until 13 Feb 2010.

This was the day my body took over. I was due to board a flight to the Caribbean, that ended up being delayed by 24 hours. Which meant, 24 hours with no sleep, followed by a long haul flight. This was the tipping point.

During those 24 hours, I quickly descended into Severe ME once again. It was as if my grip on the world was ripped away from me. I once again found myself inside a body that didn’t work. Opening my eyes was excruciating. Sitting up caused the room spin. Breathing was difficult. Every cell in my body was screaming at me. Loudly. Deafening. Crushing.

I came home from that ‘holiday’ in a wheelchair and my life changed drastically from that day.

I needed 24 hour care. I could no longer tolerate light, sound or hold even a small conversation. Adrenaline surged through my body as my nervous system struggled to keep any sort of equilibrium. It was the most terrifying time of my life and went on for a long, long time. I truly felt like my body was barely alive.

Clawing my way back from this, has taken many years. I’ve had to dig deep. I’ve tried many different things. I’ve have had to learn so much. Explore so much. Physically, Medically, Spiritually, Mentally and Emotionally. I am still moderately affected by ME/CFS. But I am so far from the place I found myself 11 years ago when my world crumbled around me.

There’s so much more I could say, and maybe one day I will. I feel reflective today on this ‘anniversary’ which is the reason for this little share here.

I realise that what happened to me, was both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me.

Losing my career, freedom, relationship, independence, home and life as I knew it was heartbreaking. Experiencing ME for a second time? Horrifying. The physical and emotional toil of what happened from that day back in 2010 onwards, is something words will never be able to portray. The road has been frightening, long, winding, unpredictable and has tested me deeply.

However, as a result of being forced to go inwards and face myself, to let go of life as I knew it and to live with daily uncertainty and challenge, I have grown in ways I will always be eternally grateful for.

My spiritual life has been full and is the polar opposite to the surface way in which I lived my life before. I have met amazing people on this journey. Made incredible friends. Had my eyes opened to a more meaningful way of life. I have come closer than ever to my true self. I have learned that life can show us beauty in the darkest of places.

I continue to pray for and work towards full healing. It is my ultimate desire that my body is able to do all the things I could before once again. But I know that when that day finally comes again, I will be so different to the Emma who recovered the first time round.

There is no going back from this kind of journey, and I wouldn’t want to. The only way is forwards.

Emma x 

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Disclaimer: This Website and all the information which it contains is based on my own personal experience and health journey which I am sharing for educational and informational purposes only. Please consult your own doctor or healthcare provider to determine the best course of treatment for you.